Watching the waves folding over like white petals

One into another

And then gone.

They are one - We are the same.

Gazing out at that ocean,

And I become apart of it.

Down into its’ vastness,

Its’ depths limitless..

And there’s nothing deeper than this, I think.

But our souls should cry that they too

Do understand this infinite depth - 

The waves screaming out, spilling into one another

And down

At the bottom there’s nothing, really.

That void we fill 

With the substances of many.

And the water’s teeming over.

And you can’t fill it enough.

And just when you think you can,

It rages up again..

The void still there.

And still the waves call out.

There’s so much inside here that doesn’t come out. Or it comes our at the wrong times. And the wrong people hear it. Or don’t hear it. But it’s hard for a girl like me. I’m just too self aware and there are too many beautiful things to ponder and talk about. But my mouth fails to produce the words. They come out like this. And this isn’t even what I want to say. You have no idea what i want to say. And neither do I.

I have not arrived.

The place in which I’m headed is far.

ETA .. eventually. someday. questionable.

But I am on my way.

Twigs and branches scrape.

Fallen trees lead me to detour.

Alas, I find a stream, a ray of light..

I make my own path.

It is mine for the taking.

go where you wanna go.

People often ask me about my tattoo on my arm and what it means, usually at work. So many times, they ask, “Do you just like wine?” I hate that.

For some reason, it’s hard for me to answer their question honestly. All of my tattoos are significant to me in a meaningful way, so when people assume it’s a superficial tattoo, it gives me a lump in my throat. Maybe it’s because I’m not always comfortable with being completely vulnerable and open, yet deeply desire to be.

I had wanted the tattoo of a grapevine on my arm for over 3 years. When I first decided I wanted it, I was really religious. It was to represent the scripture out of John 15, that talks about God being the vine, and us humans being the branches..and if we remain in Him, He will remain in us. I thought this was a beautiful verse. But to me, this seemed, and in so many ways, still seems.. unattainable. The thought of it haunted me. To be one with God. To have Him never leave you. I wanted to accept this as truth.

Over the years, my faith has changed a lot. I have a lot of doubts. A lot of questions that have not and maybe never will be answered in this life. But my desire to connect with God, a Spirit deeper and bigger than myself or anyone else, still remains. I struggle with calling myself a Christian. I don’t read the Bible anymore. I don’t believe many of the things my other Christian friends believe. I don’t have all the answers. I’m lucky if I have any answers to anything. Yet there is this intense ache for a spiritual life and to be close to this being I call God. And so I still love this idea that comes from John 15.. and I have inked it to my body.. in hopes that maybe one day it will sink deeper than the skin on my body and I will believe this beautiful idea of Oneness with God.

Churning ache,

A quiet song building.

It’s not too late to silence yourself.

Here, the melody melts into the sound of your own heartbeat.

Butterflies fill up your stomach.

Heart pounding.

It’s that good.